Feeling lost with your anxiety and fear is hard. The feelings of not being good enough, not being able to ride, letting fear get in the way, and most importantly, knowing that your horse is feeling your anxiety, are the hardest feelings ever.
We forget what it felt like to ride in joy. We forget the amazing feelings of the saddle and the motion of the horse. The shaking, holding our breath, and just all the things that take over with anxiety feel like they possess us. All of these feelings are natural and normal with fear and anxiety.
There is something we can do about it. Forgiveness. Take some time to forgive yourself. This was so hard for me. I kept going back to all the things I did wrong, not only with the accident, but also with letting my health go, my flexibility diminish, and the anxiety controlling me. I had to forgive all of this.
I made a list of all the things. I hate to admit it, but there was a lot on the list I was carrying around on my shoulders. I started at the top of the list and started forgiving myself for each thing on the list. It didn't mean I was forgetting, it just felt good to know I had made mistakes, I was going to do better, and I could go to my heart and forgive me.
Forgiveness looks different for everyone but here is a sample of what I worked through and how I felt.
I missed the signs of a horse in pain before my accident. I carried this heavy weight with me, it must have been terrifying for him. I forgive myself. I did not know he was in pain. I forgive myself. I did not mean to hurt him or cause him pain. I forgive myself. I learned and have a pre-ride checklist so it never happens again. Feeling this forgiveness, was a weight lifted off my shoulders and with the checklist, it removes anxiety that it will happen again.
Do you have things you need to forgive yourself for?
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