How do you forgive yourself?

How do you forgive yourself?

One day, he slapped me.  I actually laughed!  The physical pain of him slapping me was so much less than all the pain I had suffered from my own thoughts.  Two years of believing he would kill my family if I didn't stay with him. I had no doubt he would kill them, and my thoughts had robbed me of a lot of joy.  I lived in terror that my secret would be found out.  I lived a dual life.  One that everyone else saw, and one that I kept hidden, fearing that my whole family would be dead if anyone found out I was his hostage.

I finally forgave him.  That was the easy part.  I understood where he came from and why he did what he did out of his own fear.  That I could forgive.  That felt good.  That felt like a huge burden had been lifted, but it wasn't the end of the forgiveness.

I still felt the burden of the memories, hanging out with me.  One day I realized, I needed to forgive me!  I needed to forgive me for letting that happen.  For not having the courage to stand up to it.  I had to forgive myself for holding onto terror for two years when a mere slap pulled me out of it.  Really, a slap was enough to stop the terror I had been holding inside of me?

Here are the things I did to forgive myself:

1. RECOGNITION:  I recognized that I carried the feeling with me that I needed to forgive.  The feelings that I had let myself down.  That I had not been strong enough.  That I had not been ENOUGH.  
2. CELEBRATION: I celebrated that I had gotten out of it.  That time didn't matter, that I had figured it out.  I celebrated that!  Celebration feels so good.
3. FORGIVE ME: This had to be an action.  I wrote down my forgiveness.  I pictured that young lady, walking with God, and God forgiving me and hugging me.  I then pictured me, as I am now, hugging that young lady, telling her how proud I was of her, for doing what she needed to do.  For taking care of herself and her family.  Telling her how proud I was that she forgave the man that terrorized her.  Then, I gave her permission to forgive herself.  In this moment, of hugging her, I knew that the forgiveness was complete, and I was strong and whole again.  I was ENOUGH.  I was FORGIVEN.

Have you thought about things you have forgiven others for but forgot to forgive yourself?  For those of us with horses, there is so much we can do before we know better that can be hard to forgive ourselves for.  I know I had a number of things.  As things come up, take them one by one, and go back to that person you were and forgive them, in that moment.

Sometimes, we can get caught up in the past.  If you just need a break and want a few ideas to feel like you are a kid again, here is my free 5 keys to feeling like a kid again!





Can Forgiveness be Part of the Key to Getting Over Horse Riding Anxiety?

Can Forgiveness be Part of the Key to Getting Over Horse Riding Anxiety?

Feeling lost with your anxiety and fear is hard.  The feelings of not being good enough, not being able to ride, letting fear get in the way, and most importantly, knowing that your horse is feeling your anxiety, are the hardest feelings ever.

 

We forget what it felt like to ride in joy.  We forget the amazing feelings of the saddle and the motion of the horse.  The shaking, holding our breath, and just all the things that take over with anxiety feel like they possess us.  All of these feelings are natural and normal with fear and anxiety.

 

There is something we can do about it.  Forgiveness.  Take some time to forgive yourself.  This was so hard for me.  I kept going back to all the things I did wrong, not only with the accident, but also with letting my health go, my flexibility diminish, and the anxiety controlling me.  I had to forgive all of this. 

 

I made a list of all the things.  I hate to admit it, but there was a lot on the list I was carrying around on my shoulders.  I started at the top of the list and started forgiving myself for each thing on the list.  It didn't mean I was forgetting, it just felt good to know I had made mistakes, I was going to do better, and I could go to my heart and forgive me.

 

Forgiveness looks different for everyone but here is a sample of what I worked through and how I felt.

 

I missed the signs of a horse in pain before my accident.  I carried this heavy weight with me, it must have been terrifying for him.  I forgive myself.  I did not know he was in pain.  I forgive myself.  I did not mean to hurt him or cause him pain.  I forgive myself.  I learned and have a pre-ride checklist so it never happens again.  Feeling this forgiveness, was a weight lifted off my shoulders and with the checklist, it removes anxiety that it will happen again.

 

Do you have things you need to forgive yourself for?


If you would like to work on this further, click here for my free - Ghost of Anxiety - past, present, future.