I had no idea the weight of the fear I was carrying around, until one day when I had found my courage I felt light as a feather. It was a while after I was riding again, and it just filled me with joy. Like many of you, we carry the weight of fear without even realizing it. I believe we can all find our courage again, when we choose to!
The weight of the fear takes a toll on our health. We were not designed to stay in freeze, fight, or flight mode. That stress wreaks havoc on our systems. It manifested for me in migraines and horrible "female" issues. It also takes a toll on our emotions and mental health. For me, I felt fear in a lot of areas of my life. Dentist, riding in a car as a passenger, and definitely with the horses. Removing the weight freed up all those things! Confidence filled me in all areas of my life. I was surprised.
Here are the steps that really helped me:
1. Changing my memories of my accident. Nobody said I had to remember it as it happened, I could choose to remember all the great things about that day.
2. Reframing negative thoughts. Become a master and taking those negative thoughts running around and switch them to wonderful thoughts. You get to choose your thoughts.
3. Gradual exposure to horses and riding. Find a process for courage that works for you. I look at this as a video game. You do a little bit and then go back to the start and then do a little bit more and then go back to the start. Each time, you are getting better and better and the fear won't have room inside of you anymore.
4. Building a support system. You are not alone! I remember how alone I felt in my fear. Even the trainers didn't understand my fear. I created a support group for all of us searching for courage. (Join free group here!)
5. Focusing on personal growth and resilience. Keep going. If you want the joy of riding again, you can make it happen. We are all cheering you on and I am here to support you.
To hear about overcoming triggers, my Blue car/Red car theory, you can hear it on my latest podcast: Listen now!
Imagine for a moment that you could see yourself through your horse’s eyes. What would your horse think of you as their rider? As their caretaker? Horses are incredibly perceptive animals, attuned to our emotions, actions, and routines. If they could speak, what changes would they suggest for a better partnership and a better "us"?
Firstly, horses love consistency. They thrive on routines that provide a sense of security and predictability. Keeping exercise schedules, and grooming rituals consistent can help them feel more relaxed and cooperative. So, if your horse could speak up, they might commend you for your punctuality and consistency in caring for them. On a side not, too much routine with feeding can increase stress. I feed at all different times so my horses are relaxed and not standing there waiting for food. If they were to comment, they would say, "oh hey, it is feeding time" instead of "where is she, she is late".
Horses also value empathy and understanding. They would want us to leave our monkey thoughts at home, we don't need them and they want us present with them, not stuck in our monkey brain. They might wish for more patience and sensitivity in handling. Horses are sensitive creatures, both physically and emotionally. They respond positively to gentle, calm interactions. Your horse might nudge you to be more aware of their body language and moods, urging you to adjust your approach accordingly. My horses have clearly told me that want me in charge. They can relax and don't have to be on guard when they know I am taking care of them and their surroundings. This was a hard one for me to see through their eyes. It wasn't about being kind or not, it was about them knowing my boundaries and that I would keep them safe no matter what and that required me to show them I am strong emotionally.
Furthermore, horses are athletes and partners, not just pets. They thrive on clear communication and respect. Your horse might suggest improvements in your communication skills, whether through refining your aids in riding or enhancing your ability to read their signals on the ground. Understanding their perspective can lead to a more harmonious and effective partnership.
Ultimately, if your horse could offer feedback, they might advocate for maintaining what already works well while refining areas where improvement is possible. They might cherish your reliability and care while gently nudging you towards deeper understanding and empathy. By putting yourself in your horse’s shoes, you can cultivate a relationship built on mutual trust, respect, and understanding—a partnership where both human and horse can thrive together.
For more on how I found my strength, I talk about it a lot in my free fear to courage support group. I was so timid when I started and having this group has really helped others find their strength as well. Join us here.
Body language was a frustrating thing for me playing with my horses. Really think about it, they have huge ears that mean something. They have a tail that means something. They have four legs so lifting one up is really easy and it means something.
I spent a lot of time observing my herd of three. Ears were the easiest to see at first. They can flick an ear fast and the other horses move. Head swinging was reinforcement to the ear flicks and if that didn't work, was usually followed by teeth.
I can see a tail swish or a leg lift and know exactly what it meant. At the same time, swinging a head or swishing a tail for a fly meant nothing to the other horses so it wasn't entirely about the movement. It was the energy behind the movement. This I could work with!
I thought about being a mountain lion and the massive energy they would have, and I filled up and walked with that energy. The horses moved out of my way. It was fun and felt empowering and it also felt like I could keep myself safe.
The ears and tail were more challenging. I put a blue flag on the end of a dressage whip and held it down by my feet to act as my ears or my tail. Then, if I would pin my ears or swish my tail with meaning, I just used the flag. I also waved it around like I was swishing flies and didn't put the energy behind it. It worked exactly like their ears and tail. They moved when the energy was behind it and they just stayed relaxed if I was just swishing flies.
I encourage you to play with body language with your horses. This is just the tip of the iceberg. There is so much more when it comes to using body language as communication.
What is your favorite body language technique with your horse?
There are times when I am not able to ride. We get a lot of rain here in Kentucky and it is very slippery. I really don't feel safe riding when it is slippery. This has led me to get creative in how to play with my horses for connection. It is different for every horse if I really pay attention to what they think of as play, not just imposing my idea of play.
Taika is laid back, bottom of the pecking order and really up for anything that we get to do together without the other two herd mates. I have been playing with energy with her. She loves to be scratched so I have used that to play an energy game. I hold my hands up and let her come to me and put her body by my hands where she itches. Then if I have an itch, I point and feel itchy in that spot and her her scratch me.
Binky is really shut down in a lot of ways from her past. I love playing body language with her. I mirror her or match her to the best of my ability until she notices. I can breath in rhythm with her, move with her, look where she is looking. Just letting her know I see her. I am listening to her had helped her relax and want to hang out with me. She even lets me trim her feet at liberty now.
Michelle is a quiet observer in the middle of the herd. She is up for anything and just wants me to do stuff with her. She loves playing movement games. I love playing over, under, around, and through with her. Go over a log, under a tree branch, around a plant, and through a narrow path between vines or trees. This has been a really fun game to keep her attention on me and building her trust in me.
With your horses, which of these do you think your horse would enjoy the most? Taika - Scratching, Binky - Mirroring, or Michelle - Over, Under, Around, Through?
It is fun to do all the games with all of them but they definitely have their favorites.
It was a beautiful day for a ride and I decided to just push through my fear and ride anyway. It was one of those days where things shift inside of you and something wakes up. I got on, shaking and sweaty palms determined to ride and my horse was good but I could feel tension building in her as she was feeling me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It was fair to her to have to carry my fear!
Horses being prey animals depend on feeling the energy around them. It is instinctual for them to stay alive. I was not honoring my horse by putting all the fearful energy on her back. I got off of her. I knew I had to do more work so that she would not have to carry that weight and fear. I had to reduce my fear and here are 3 tips for doing just that:
1. Prepraration - Once I really looked at my preparation, safety equipment, mindset, physical fitness and the horse's preparation - are they calm grooming, quiet, relaxed, no tension or swishing tail, my confidence shot up. I could now see before getting on if it was a good day for both of us.
2. Become your favorite trainer - In my mind, I become one of my favorite trainers as soon as I get to the barn. What would they do? How would they feel? They would not let the horse walk over them; they would expect the horse to be quiet with them. They would be clear asking the horse for something. This really helps my courage. I just leave me at home for a bit.
3. Focus in the moment - The more you can focus in the moment you are in, what are you doing, how are you feeling and what is your horse doing, how is your horse feeling, in that moment you will start to understand the subtitles before something happens. The days to ride and the days to play instead of riding. You will notice tension in the neck or flank, or you will notice deep quiet breathing and relaxed muscles. The more you are in the moment, the lower your anxiety and fear will be.
There are so many things we can do to overcome our fear and nerves. I talk about a few other things to help in my latest podcast (on most podcast platforms) if you would like to hear more! PODCAST
