I had heard the phrase - "Ask a stallion, tell a gelding, negotiate with a mare!" and it really has been helping me think about ways we communicate with our horses. The key principle with this phrase for me is that we need to listen to our horses and adjust our communication for them. The phrase lumps everyone together and we can take a little from each one to become better communicators.
I was timid when I brought Binky home. She was super aggressive, and I shrunk from her. She bit me in the middle of the back and kicked my other horse, Taika, over on top of me TWICE. Not only did I not negotiate with her, but I also didn't tell her or ask her. I let her run the show. She had been through an extremely stressful life and was frantic for normalcy.
When I stepped back and really listened to her, I heard her fear. I felt her fear. I saw how desperate she was for a leader, someone to take charge and let her know she was safe. It was a wakeup call for me. I had to step into that which I feared, COURAGE, leadership, and caregiver. Caring for her emotionally as much as physically.
Because I listened to her, and really heard her, our relationship changed, and I grew in leaps and bounds. I had to step into power.
Our relationship transformed as I visualized myself as a mountain lion—not for her sake, but for my own empowerment. I set food out in the pasture and used a flag to communicate my presence, mimicking the behaviors of a protective leader. In time, Binky relaxed and became the sweetest horse. She no longer felt the need to guard herself; she allowed me to lead and keep her safe.
Remember, sometimes you must be firm—not cruel—to gain their trust and foster a deep bond.
I share more on my thoughts about this in my latest Podcast you can find on most podcast platforms or click here.
I hit my funny bone when I was 5 and boy it wasn't very funny! I can still remember that day like it was yesterday. The tears streaming down my face, I ran into the house and my dad had me come over to him. I thought he was going to comfort me and wipe my tears......but not my dad. He stomped my foot. He said "now your elbow doesn't hurt anymore, right?" And we both CRACKED UP!!! It was a defining moment. He did this a lot when we were upset or had hurt ourselves. It really was a blessing to laugh through life.
One day, as I was feeling fear come up, I saw it as a cartoon and I started to laugh. It gave me the idea to look at the memories of my accident and see if I could turn the memories around to laughter! I succeeded. Now when I look back, I see a horse with ballet slippers and a tootoo, dancing around with me as his partner, lifting me up and dancing with me. Then I see the acme coyote and the road runner come into the picture and all acme caos breaks loose but when all the dust settles, there I am, riding off into the sunset with the road runner. It is powerful. Like many of you, we sit in our memories and our thoughts of what if all the negative stuff. Nobody says we have to stay there.
Here is how you can use laughter:
1. Recreate your memories so that they make you laugh, good ole belly laughing. Whatever makes you laugh, make that your memories. Nobody says we have to remember things the way they happen. I give you permission to recreate your memories!
2. Create a future that fills you with joy and laughter. I set a goal to laugh 400 times a day so that I am looking for things to laugh about but it is too big to measure. Find things every day that help you laugh through life. It isn't always easy, but it is always fun.
I share a lot about how I learned to laugh in my book, "Turn Your Family Around with Laughter" that you can get here, on Amazon.
That day, I just couldn't get on and join the trail ride with my friends. They were all yelling at me, "Just get on! Come with us! Nothing is going to happen." But the fear held me back. I sat there in tears as they rode out together, watching them go while my horse stood next to me, all tacked up and ready.
I did eventually ride in the arena, tears streaming down my face. In that moment, it was just me, my wonderful horse, and my overwhelming fear. Despite being there with my trusted companion, I felt utterly alone.
Like many of you, horse riders are often seen as strong and resilient. We don't want others to see our vulnerabilities, especially when it comes to fear. Our trainers and friends might not truly understand what we're going through.
Here are a few tips:
Recognize your fear and honor it. It is there to keep you safe. You don't have to give in to it but by recognizing it and thanking it, it loses some of its power.
Acknowledge that you are strong, and you also have a wide range of emotions to be felt and expressed. Not everyone is going to understand your emotions and being able to communicate them is important and it is also important to listen to your friends and trainers and take in what they are saying. Acknowledge that they mean well and see things from a different perspective. See if there are nuggets you can use from what they are saying.
Practice self-compassion. To me, this means loving ourselves even though we have fear. It is natural. It attempts to keep us safe in the best way possible. We can slowly breakdown our fear and adjust it, bit by bit, so that we can rebuild our courage from our compassion.
Most importantly, know that you are not alone.
You can listen to my thought on this in my latest podcast you can listen to here! Turn Riding Fear Around.
My horses are all three of them 16'2 hands. Not intentionally, just how it worked out. I am 5'3. Standing next to them holding the saddle ready to toss it up there felt like I was trying to saddle the Empire State Building. I realized that I was feeling older, stiffer, and a lot less energy. What I thought nothing of 15 years ago, seemed like climbing Mt. Everest now. I started asking why I was feeling this way and also asking was it affecting what I enjoyed in life. Like many of you, we start making adjustments, not doing this or that, not wanting to "rock the boat" with our body.
I started to think about the ways pain was affecting my riding fear specifically. Here are three ways it affected me and what I did about it.
The first was grooming, trimming feet, tacking up, cleaning tack, all the strength things that go along with getting ready to ride. I started making excuses not to do as much or not as much at one time. This happened over time, so it wasn't noticeable until the day I stood there looking up at the horse. This led me to the conclusion I needed more strength. Surprisingly, this was not as hard as I thought. I talked to some body builder friends of mine, and I added in more protein. I stopped eating a lot of carbs like pasta and started eating egg salads and such.
The second way this showed up was in excuses not to ride. Instead of looking for a way to ride, I was looking for ways not to ride. When I peeled this onion, it was because being stiff made it harder to get on, harder to react to my horse and the worst part was harder to get off, especially in an emergency. I started doing a lot more movement and the big thing was getting rid of inflammation. I was surprised how much this improved my flexibility! It is really easy. I joined a great coaching program. (More details here for the one I joined).
My conclusion was that pain robs our joy. The good news is that we can do things to feel better and get our joy back!
I also shared my thoughts about this in my latest podcast: Episode 35: Painful Joints Can Increase Fear
I was in the middle of a figure eight when I stopped, right there where the two circles join. The feelings of anxiety, work, chores, overwhelm all piled up on me at once. When I got on my horse, I had 10 things all lined up to work on. Backing, moving the shoulders right and left, moving the haunches right and left, etc. Just writing this, I can feel my stress rising and those feelings of overwhelm creeping in. Like many of you, we focus on all the "DOING" that we think needs to be completed to move on to the next steps.
As I stopped, right there in the middle of the figure eight, I felt the "PAUSE". I felt it through me, through my horse, all the tension drained away into the ground. We both took some deep breaths together and just leaned into each other, feeling our feelings. I know this sounds a little nuts, but it was very powerful. The power in this pause lasted for a few minutes. There was no rush to carry on with the figure eight. There was no rush to continue with all the things on my list. There was just the two of us, in that moment, enjoying being together.
How long has it been since you really took a pause? A pause in your daily life? A pause with your horse? A pause with your family?
I encourage you to take some time and set down the RUSH, set down the "TO DO LIST", set down all the electronics, and just lean into the PAUSE. Feel the power.
I challenge you the next time you ride your horse, build in the pauses to just enjoy each other, in those moments of pause. Feel how you are feeling. Feel how your horse is feeling and fill both of you up with a few moments of "BEING" together.
I talk a little more about this in my latest "Turn Riding Fear Around" Podcast, Episode
33: The Power of Standing Still for our MIND.
