The sounds of the horses' hooves, running backwards on the road, the feeling of sitting on a powder keg, trying to get off before dying, the feeling of the horse flipping over backwards on me, not knowing how to get him off of me, being crushed under his weight, were the thoughts running through my head over and over.
I would start to shake, just thinking back to that day. There were so many things I should have known, before I ever got on that horse. I missed all the signs. I missed all the signs that God was telling me not to go. How could I ever overcome reliving these memories? I felt so alone, in my fear. Trainers didn't understand. Friends just wanted me "back to normal". Get on and do it was the common saying.
I didn't think I could get help, so I had to figure it out. First of all, I didn't think it was fair to the horse for me to get on and ride with that much fear, it wasn't their fear or their fault. I started setting visions for how I wanted rides to go. I started by filling myself up with feeling of joy. I filled myself up with the feelings from the amazing rides before the accident. As I did this, I realized that it was a huge help, but not the complete picture.
I put together a pre-ride checklist for me and the horse, that gave me comfort, knowing I would see the signs, before ever getting on. I planned my first rides; my goal was to take 4 steps and re-evaluate. If the horse lifted its head or got tense at all, I immediately got off, shaking so while all of this helped a lot, it wasn't complete. I found some great products to help. One for calm before even getting on, one for calm in the saddle, and one for courage so that I could be the leader my horse needed me to be. (Link here is interested).
Put together, this got me back riding again, and enjoying it! The keys were planning, knowing at least when I was getting on that things were good, and having an exit plan just in case. The added bonus was the products that even when stuff did happen, stopped the shaking and let me think clearly. It was not an easy journey, but it was rewarding. If we have a car accident, we don't stop driving, why do we stop riding?
For the whole process I used, you can check out my book!
I am getting there. And like you some of my friends just said come on get back on you aren't even riding Cutter who you had the accident on.