It was a simple Christmas party that I had a few people coming over for. It was not my choice. I would have avoided it if it had not been my husband's kids. I started to think, why would I have avoided a simple dinner party with just a few people. I realized, I was afraid of being afraid. I was afraid of things going wrong, but more than that, I was afraid to relax and enjoy the evening. I had developed a fear of fear, and it led me to almost becoming a recluse.
Fear is a natural response, meant to protect us from harm. But what happens when fear itself becomes the thing we fear most? Many people get stuck in a cycle where they aren’t just afraid of a situation—they’re afraid of feeling afraid.
This builds a fear of becoming afraid and shuts us down before we even try.
Fear triggers a physiological response—racing heart, shallow breathing, tense muscles. When we experience this repeatedly, our minds begin associating fear itself with danger. We start avoiding anything that could bring up that dreaded feeling, even if the situation itself isn’t truly harmful.
For example, if you've had a bad fall while horseback riding, you may not only fear riding again—you might start fearing the nervousness that comes with getting back in the saddle. The fear of fear becomes bigger than the fear of falling itself.
Breaking Free from the Fear of Fear
1. Recognize the Pattern
The first step is awareness. Acknowledge that you’re not just afraid of an experience—you’re afraid of how fear feels. This realization alone can give you some power back.
2. Shift Your Perspective on Fear
Instead of seeing fear as a threat, reframe it as a signal. Fear is just your body’s way of preparing you for action. What if, instead of resisting it, you allowed yourself to feel it without judgment?
3. Expose Yourself Gradually
Confidence isn’t built by avoiding fear—it’s built by facing it in small, manageable steps. If riding again feels overwhelming, start by spending time around horses, then progress at your own pace.
4. Use Your Breath
Fear tightens the body, but deep, intentional breathing can release that tension. Try inhaling for four counts, holding for four, and exhaling for six. This helps signal safety to your nervous system. As you exhale, picture the fear and anxiety flowing out of you, out your breath, out your fingers and your toes. As you inhale, feel confidence filling you up.
5. Fill Up with Courage
Fear loses its grip when you actively focus on courage. Picture yourself succeeding. Remind yourself of past moments when you have overcome fear. The more you fill up with courage, the less room fear has to take over.
Confidence Comes from Action
You don’t need to wait for fear to disappear to take action. True confidence comes from moving forward with fear, proving to yourself that you can handle it. When you stop fearing fear, you free yourself to step into the courageous, confident person you’re meant to be.
I can help you explore breaking free from anxiety and stepping into calm. Book your free chat now and take the first step toward finding your calm. I have helped clients with both courage coaching and hypnotherapy to overcome their anxiety and enjoy life again. Schedule your free chat here!
The biggest challenge for me with jumping my horse was "seeing" my distance to the fence. I was determined to get to each jump just right, but the pressure I put on myself filled me with anxiety. The more I tried to control the situation, the more tense my body became. The harder it was to guide my horse to the right spot to jump from, and it quickly became a vicious cycle. It was like swirling around the drain, spiraling deeper and deeper into anxiety.
Looking back now, I realize that it all started with perfectionism—the need to hit that "perfect spot" every time. Perfectionism is something many of us struggle with, whether it’s in our careers, relationships, or even our hobbies. While striving for excellence isn’t inherently harmful, the constant desire to be perfect can create an undercurrent of anxiety that follows us around like a shadow. It saps our joy and keeps us stuck in a never-ending loop of stress and dissatisfaction.
When we chase perfection, we often feel as though we’re falling short, no matter how hard we try. The pressure builds, and the anxiety takes over, often leading to physical tension. I can remember how tight my muscles would get as I overthought every approach to the jump. My mind was racing, but my body was frozen, which only made it harder to execute the task at hand. This was the anxiety speaking through my body, reminding me of my perceived failure to meet an unattainable standard.
The good news is we can break free from the grip of perfectionism, and it starts with awareness. Here are a few ideas to help you shift away from perfectionism and ease the anxiety it causes:
1. Embrace "Good Enough": Acknowledge that perfection isn’t always necessary. Instead, focus on doing your best in the moment, even if it’s not perfect. Perfectionism often prevents us from enjoying the journey, so let go of the need to be flawless, and relax into the journey.
2. Focus on the Process, Not the Outcome: When I stopped obsessing over landing the perfect jump, I started to enjoy the process of riding. Celebrate the small victories and trust that progress is more important than perfection.
3. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself when things don’t go as planned. Perfectionism thrives on self-criticism, but self-compassion fosters growth and reduces anxiety.
4. Shift Your Perspective: Challenge the belief that everything must be perfect. Mistakes are part of learning and growth. Letting go of perfection frees us from anxiety’s grip.
Perfectionism and anxiety are closely linked, but with practice, we can break the cycle. It’s about shifting our focus from perfection to progress, and that’s where true peace lies.
As you ease into relaxation instead of perfectionism, I would love to share my 7 Days to Mindfulness guide with you, it is complimentary and may help you ease into the journey to relaxation. Get the guide here!
My horse started to spook my response was to fold up into myself, like a folding chair, with all the fear gripping my stomach and shutting down my brain. Holding my breath while I panicked. Nothing happened but I was a wreck emotionally and physically. This was all my mind. Causing me to feel fear through my body. I have also had the experience of just sitting up a little taller, like a high backed chair, and boy, my confidence in my mind blossoms with just a slight shift in my posture.
These are just simple examples of how intertwined our mind and our body are. The connection goes both ways and is powerful, either for fear or for confidence and courage. The great news is we can learn to play with both sides of this, the mind and the body and use that to overcome imaginary and perceived fear. Real fear is important and we need but the other two, not so much.
Here are a few things you can do to play with this and learn how to control the mind-body connection.
1. Just check in with your body and see how you are feeling. Curl your shoulders forward like you are curling up into a fetal position and feel how that changes your confidence. Then straighten your shoulders and posture and see how different that feels.
2. Think about being a knight with an amazing sword and shield to overcome all battles. How does that feel in your body? Did you sit up a tiny bit straighter?
3. Visualize breathing in light and love and exhaling anxiety and fear. Do this for 5-10 breaths and see how you feel and if it has changed from where you started.
There’s so much more to explore about the mind-body connection, and I have a free guide on 7 days to mindfulness. Click Here if you would like a copy!
In today’s world, it’s easy to fall into the trap of constantly measuring ourselves against others. I remember riding in a clinic, with several talented young riders, and I couldn’t help but feel defeated as I tried to keep up. Despite my frustration, I completed every jump as instructed, and the jumping itself felt great. But the tension of trying to be perfect—of comparing myself to others—was overwhelming.
We fear being judged for not being perfect, and this fear creates tension. In riding, it’s common to feel like you’re being judged by trainers, fellow riders, or even your own past expectations. This fear can hold us back, preventing us from fully enjoying the journey. But the truth is, relaxation and peace come from embracing your own unique journey, not by measuring yourself against someone else. It is all about you and your horse and improving that relationship.
When we focus too much on what others think, we become paralyzed by their opinions. We might ask ourselves: "Am I doing this right? What will they think? What if I fail?" This mindset, centered on judgment and perfection, adds stress and stops us from truly enjoying the process. Instead of celebrating progress, we get caught in a cycle of fear and self-doubt.
The truth is, you don’t need to be perfect. Perfection is an illusion. What matters is that you’re growing, learning, and trying. Every step forward, no matter how small, is progress. By pursuing your riding goals, you’re doing something extraordinary—many people never take that leap. But you? You’re out there riding, pushing forward, and that’s something to be proud of.
Relaxation comes when we let go of the need to meet external standards and focus on personal growth. You are unique. Your path is unique. As you continue to grow, the tension from judgment will fade. Celebrate small victories—whether it’s mastering a new skill or overcoming fear—and you’ll find more confidence and ease in the saddle. You’re not here to be perfect; you’re here to be authentic, present, and to follow your dreams, no matter where they take you.
So, the next time you feel the fear of judgment creeping in, remember this: you are enough just as you are. Your journey is yours alone. Relax into that truth and let go of the need for perfection. You’re already doing something incredible by showing up and striving for more and riding your horse.
If you're ready to let go of the pressure of perfection and embrace your unique journey, I invite you to join my Mind-Body Connection Webinar on January 25th, 2025. In this session, we’ll explore how to connect with your horse—and yourself—on a deeper level, helping you ride with more ease, confidence, and presence. Can't make it live? No worries! There is an option to purchase the replay.
I was recently watching a video of a Disney Parade when something unexpected happened— a balloon string wrapped around the hind leg of a horse in the procession. While the aftermath of the incident is important, what struck me most was what was happening before the incident.
The handlers walking alongside the horse were checked out, mindlessly walking along, and the princess riding the horse seemed entirely absorbed in "being" a princess, not at all focused on the horse. In that moment, the horse was essentially alone, with no connection to the people around it. No one was in tune to the horse’s mind and body. The handlers weren’t engaged, the rider wasn’t present, and as a result, the horse became disoriented and fearful. This is a perfect example of the lack of mind-body connection, and it serves as a valuable lesson for all of us.
So, what can we learn from this?
1. Our Mind and Body Are Connected to Our Horse’s Mind and Body
When we ride, we must honor the fact that our mind and body are deeply connected to our horse’s mind and body. I often think of my horse as an extension of myself. My balance impacts the horse's movement, and my state of mind directly influences its behavior. The more present I am, the more relaxed my horse becomes, and together, our minds and bodies align to perform as a team. This connection helps reduce anxiety and keeps spooks to a minimum. Without it, the horse can easily spiral into panic, just as the horse in the parade did.
2. Engaging the Horse’s Mind Is Rewarding
Engaging your horse’s mind while riding not only helps prevent unexpected events but also creates a rewarding experience for both of you. Think of it like going to a shopping mall with a great friend— you’re not just getting from point A to point B, but you’re enjoying the journey together. Building that mental connection with your horse makes riding more enjoyable and deepens your partnership.
3. The Mind-Body Connection Is Something We Can Improve
Whether it’s strengthening your own mind-body connection or deepening the bond with your horse, this is an area we can always improve. Get curious about how different actions affect the connection. What happens if you tense up or slouch? How does your balance affect your horse’s movement? Try different approaches, explore how it feels, and see what works best for you both.
If you’re interested in learning more about the mind-body connection, I’ll be hosting a workshop on January 25th, 2025 (or you can catch the replay). You can find more details and register by clicking here!
